Water with Hillary

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water-with-hillary

I’m glad Hillary’s feeling better and back on the campaign trail after her bout with pneumonia and dehydration. She’s said as hard as it was to rest for a few days, it turned out to be a gift because it gave her time to reflect about the best way to close out her campaign against Donald Trump. You go, Girl!

I think a lot of people, especially the press corps, made too much of her decision to keep her diagnosis private until after she was caught on camera nearly fainting at the 9/11 memorial service. Then again, her health and stamina had been a topic of conversation (a.k.a. alt-right conspiracy theory) for more than a month. “Notable health expert” Rudy Giuliani, former NYC mayor and current Trump advisor, was on several news shows urging the public to Google Hillary’s “illness” for the truth that the media was hiding from them. Then, after she had a coughing fit at a campaign event in Ohio early September, other health experts — as qualified to diagnose as Dr. Rudy — declared she had advanced Parkinson’s disease. After watching several YouTube videos. Hmmm … After watching Trump on national news for more than year, I can now confidently say he’s Batshit Crazy. Google it.

But seriously, the most important thing I think Hillary should do to ensure victory in November is to drink more water. According to her husband, she’s suffered from severe dehydration before: “Rarely, on more than one occasion, over the last many, many years, the same sort of thing’s happened to her when she got severely dehydrated, and she’s worked like a demon, as you know, as secretary of state, as a senator, and in the years since,” said Bill. Team Hillary — her campaign staff — has voiced their frustration with her aversion to water: “You try telling Hillary Clinton to drink more water,” said one member.

I’ve decided to “go in.” At one time, I was in sales, and I have a reputation for being relentless. I think I can convince her. You see, Hillary and I have a history of drinking liquids together: There was the time we had coffee and discussed her decision to run for president again; then, in February after she and Bernie appeared at a fundraising event in Minnesota, we dished political deets over cocktails. We’re like “this close” (imagine me holding up my index and middle fingers and crossing them … that’s how close we are).

And no, I’m not Batshit Crazy like ‘some people we know.’

I just have what’s known as a healthy imagination. I’ve literally taken Einstein’s words to heart and mind: Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. Such as …

Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2016: Hillary’s scheduled to speak at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation, and I’m making my way through crowds of “magical black girls.” They’re a dose of “good medicine,” for sure!

Hillary’s alone in a dressing room behind the stage; she’s in a comfy-looking, oversized stuffed chair, her bare feet — crossed at the ankles — are resting on the matching ottoman. She’s wearing her glasses and reading over her notes. The lamp on the side table shines brightly. What I don’t see alarms me. No water glass nor water bottle. Good thing I brought enough for both of us. There’s not much time for my spiel, so I get right to it.

“Madam Secretary, you need to drink more water! You know you do. Your doctors, family, staff have all told you how important it is for you to stay sufficiently hydrated. Only 51 days to go before the election … You can’t afford to get sick again! Here, I brought you a bottle.” I set it on the side table.

“Look, I know you don’t want to make this just about you. So, let’s think about the example you’re setting for others, shall we? Like the mothers and children all across America. And, what would you say to your own daughter, to your grandchildren? Granted, there’s a lot of conflicted information regarding the whole 8×8 rule. You’re not the only one who has a hard time drinking that much water. But, just because others are fudging on it doesn’t mean you should too. I would hope the whole email issue — you know, ‘Well, Colin did it too!’ argument — would’ve taught you something.

“How about we capitalize on this water-thing? For instance, most millennials never leave home without a water bottle in hand. That’s both of my daughters and their friends. I know many baby boomers, like us, do the same thing. Of course, the problem is we have to stop and pee more often … We’ll talk about that some more in a minute.

“So, I have nine words for you: ‘BPA-free water bottles in a variety of colors!’ Hmmmm? I see you nodding. I’ve been on your campaign shopping site, and I see buttons, ties, key rings, totes, scarves, playing cards, pillows, you-name-it … just about everything EXCEPT water bottles! Unless I missed something. I do like that flowered ‘H’ tote by the way. Very pretty. Reminds me of Vera Bradley stuff … Love her! I see you nodding again.

“Talk about doing something that will make you more relatable! What’s more relatable than carrying a water bottle with you everywhere?! AND, I think it’ll help with that millennial vote you’re worried about. I bet Elizabeth Warren would be in on carrying a water bottle when she campaigns for you. Bernie? I’m not so sure about that one. He’s such a curmudgeon.

“Another thing … Let’s replace the whole ‘basket of deplorables’ faux pas with baskets of water bottles. At all your speaking events! Give them out FREE, for goodness’ sake! I’ve read you have over $30 million in cash on hand from fundraising. This would be a good way to ‘give back’ to your supporters and maybe help with that whole unrelatable/unlikable issue you have going on.

“So, the ‘H’ with the arrow symbol and ‘Stronger Together’ would be a nice touch. BUT, even better — because it would be poking fun at your recent health issue — I think ‘Hydrating Together’ with a large ‘H’ and arrow would really get some play. Don’t you? Make fun of yourself … A self-deprecating humor is very likable!

“Ok, so I see you checking your watch, and I’m going to wrap this up … I’m going to leave you laughing, Madam Secretary. I think you’re staying away from the water because of the whole incontinence thing. Am I right? There was a ridiculous amount of attention — criticism, even, from the MALE Republicans — on that bathroom break you took during the Democratic debates last year, and I think you don’t want to risk that again. I understand completely, and so do all your women supporters. We’ve been there, in those looooong bathroom lines … too many times, in fact.”

I took my laptop out of my bag as she began shifting in her chair to rise.

“Did you ever see that Grey’s Anatomy episode entitled ‘Diapers are Hardcore’? I’ve got a short clip here on my laptop, so it won’t take long. And, these were the young female surgeons who wore the diapers during long surgeries! They did it because that’s what it took to keep up with their male colleagues! You know … You do what you have to do to win! One female surgeon, Dr. Christina Yang — who reminds me of you, because she’s very driven — was in awe of the female surgeon who came up with the idea. She said it was ‘badass!'”

As she stood and stretched, I held the laptop in front of her, and we watched it together.

Then, I said, “Imagine offering diapers on your shopping site! There could be flowered ones for women, and they could say something like ‘Peeing Together’ or ‘Hillary’s a Badass – I’m with her!’ ”

Of course, we doubled over in laughter. (I love to see her smile. So pretty.) And, we laughed and laughed and laughed … until we peed our pants. Then, we laughed about that! What are you going do, right?

She quickly glanced at her watch, then rushed into the bathroom to finish peeing and freshen up. Maybe even to change her pants.

When she came out, I thought I better warn her about something, “Listen, if you decide to wear the diapers because you’re drinking a lot more water, you don’t need to tell anybody about that. This does not mean you’re being too private. It’ll be our secret.”

She opened the door to leave, and I noticed she’d left her water bottle on the table. I grabbed it and ran after her: “Girlfriend! You forgot something! Wait up!”